I’ve only recently started giving feedback, and came upon an interesting situation. I am a high D. I have a direct report who is a high I, who I sometimes use as a barometer for “people” issues. I asked him what he thought about the feedback I’ve been giving, and he responded that I don’t need to ask, and that it seems unnatural.
My thought is that I should honor his request of not asking, but to keep the rest of the model. I would still describe the behavior, impact, and future behavior. I would argue that his candidness was based on a strong relationship. If I disregard his request, I think that would be eroding to a relationship.
What are your thoughts? Should I drop “the ask?” I’m interested in hearing some thoughts I haven’t considered.
Don't abandon it just yet
M&M have said many times that there are a lot of good ways to be a manager -- they're just describing something that works. So if this doubt causes you to reduce the amount of feedback then obviously it's better to keep using the model off-the-shelf. But if you can come up with some other question I don't think it violates the spirit of what they're suggesting. I do think you need to somehow ask in order to get them to accept the feedback, and in the spirit of making it quick & painless, I can't think of a more efficient phrase than "can I give you some feedback?"
Since you're just starting, it's very possible the reason it doesn't sound natural is because it simply isn't natural yet. You could resolve this immediate concern by enlisting your direct's help. Say you hear his feedback and understand it's unnatural, so perhaps you'll mix it up from time to time, but since you're just getting started you really want to stay focused on the goal of delivering more feedback. At some point down the road you'll possibly find a new opening phrase, but ask him to indulge you for a little while until the whole feedback model becomes more natural. In other words, if you have a close relationship then "delegate" to him the task of receiving feedback.
It only makes sense to make this process natural, but it won't seem natural no matter what you say until you get the process down. Now's not the time to become self-conscious about a tried-and-true opening phrase. That's for later (if ever).
puts you in the about them mode and them in the listening mode
If you are a high D and specially if you have been working with your people for quite a while and have a good relationship with them, what may seem unnatural to them is not actually the asking permission to give the feedback but the fact that YOU are asking. They may have got comfortable with you just telling them directly and straightforward what to do that they wonder why you are asking permission now. So you can actually read the comment as the guy just telling you that they are ok with you giving feedback without even asking. I am a high D, high I, and the part that I find most difficult in giving feedback is actually asking for permission. Usually I just give the feedback. But I think the asking part is important because it puts them in the mode of actually preparing themselves for receiving it. It also puts you in the mode for giving the feedback. I find that when I don´t ask permission is not nearly as affective first because I talk too fast and too much so it just goes over their heads. When I ask it is sort of a way of telling them (and myself) that the feedback is really about them, to help and improve them or the result of their work.
I think the reason most of us don´t give enough feedback is because most of the time we end up solving the problem or the inefficiency the behaviour of the person caused through some other mechanism. For example, putting some one to check the details in somebody else's work rather than telling the original author of the work he/she needs to be more careful with the details. But when we really care about that person, and not just the results of his/her work, that is when we will give feedback. Just like we do it with our children, all the time, because we want them to learn and we know we are responsible for their learning.
You can honour his comments by acknowledging it, thanking him for it, and explaining him the reason why you do ask, and ask for his understanding that with time it will become more naturally to you and as a result it will feel more natural for them. Ask him whether he would give you a feedback to you without either you asking him for it or him asking you if you were willing to receive it. I can guarantee you he would most definitely ask you for your permission. So you are just doing the same with them that they would do with you, and by the way, that you expect and they would do with you.
I hope it helps. Other than that I do agree you may think about a sentences that comes more naturally. I live in Chile and the word feedback is "retroalimentación" which sounds really awkward, feedback is actually more known than the spanish word itself. So I really end up using: "Can I tell you something?" Not the same but it works. The funny thing is even my 4 year old uses that sentence around me: "Mamá, te quiero decir algo.", and waits for me to respond yes. And I really put my ears up when she says that.
You need to ask
Rarely you will encounter an employee who is in the middle of some personal crisis and is not receptive to feedback. It is rare but if you are doing this for the sake of you employee then you need to let them say "This is not a good time." If you give feedback when they are not receptive you will do more damage than good.